What a bleeding resistant night. fucking resistant. i really dont know whats happening but i think its a bit like loosey poop, in the sense things just being very strange. like now i'm listening only to carnatic/instrumentals, every other shit i've left behind because i find it takes me to the edge and is really idiotic affected bullcrap. specially lyrics.like a bull mating with a bushchat; something it never does. i'm really pushing it and my support group, also didnt attend the first rehearsals for today evening. Still feel sick from a trip to a client on frigging sarjpr. its always the return that makes me sick. And I've told just one person this, but for records sake: yesterday evening as i sat waiting for having things done at SN, at shits end, and about to make a dramtic walkout, i looked back at myself in a freely offered reflection. And for ten minutes (which is longer than I've been on any idea of late) I had decided that it was in my stars that I should take up the cloth. you know - become a *. Even after the job was done and id taken the voyeurs seat in the open carraige, this thing was certainly playing somewhere in my flatenned being and becoming some creature. And then to take it further, that night was bleeding resistant. It's been like that since. i could cry cos now i think i really lost the groove and i'm never getting it back. just when i found it.